Being a therapist, I forget that not everyone has heard of the five stages of grief by now.

Also, being a human, I forget that not everyone has heard of the five stages of grief by now. Considering the fact that we all have had some sort of loss in our lives at some point. Cue typical therapist rhetoric wondering why mental health is not more commonly shared and taught as we grow up.

The five stages are commonly listed as:
1. Denial - It can feel like shock and/or inability to recognize the reality of the situation.
2. Anger - You can read more about anger in this post.
3. Bargaining - This will sound like questions, questions, and more questions. What if something went differently? What if I did something to help? Why would this happen to them?
4. Depression - This, as well as all of the feelings that go along with it: sadness, disappointment, emptiness, powerlessness, abandonment, victimization, fragility, etc.
5. Acceptance - keep reading to hear my thoughts… **

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There are a variety of situations that could trigger the start of the five stages of grief. I have a feeling that the stages of grief are not commonly shared, taught, or spoken enough about because of the discomfort that comes with loss in general. I will talk about the emotional, deeper levels of life all day, every day. Understandably, not everyone will, or do they want to.

What is considered “five stages of grief” worthy? Honestly…whatever triggers you to feel grief.

-A serious illness or life altering diagnosis.
-The death of a pet or loved one.
-Divorce, breakup, or end to a friendship.
-A miscarriage, infertility, or loss of the dream of a family.
-Loss of financial stability or job.
-Cherished future plans that suddenly will never be met.

Each person’s experience is unique and not like another’s. Each is deserving of crafted and dedicated time to process the situation that occurred.
By ignoring, it can stall each stage from being reached.

Then, prolonged suffering will occur.

The idea of “acceptance” also triggers me to think of prolonged suffering. Overall, as a therapist, I have a very hard time with the last stage being called “acceptance.”

Personally, I do not know if everyone always “accepts” the loss they experienced. And why should we accept it? See my post on how I feel about shoulds.

It feels so final. Like the process is over, and we should feel better.

And if it is an ambiguous loss…well that deserves its own blog post.

I like to rephrase that last stage and encourage my clients to see it as “integration.”

I explain Integration as: How are we going to integrate this person/loss/experience into your life?
We want to honor the person that *they* were and/or honor the new person that you will be.
We want to recognize what happened, while integrating strength and experience into this transitional period in your story.

Some examples:

Losing something you own from a tragedy: How are you going to reflect on the situation that happened and honor what your needs are now that it has passed? How will you take moments to incorporate things that make you feel fulfilled in a similar fashion to what was lost?

Loss of a relationship due to break up or conflict: Identify the aspects and values of the relationship that were healthy & what you enjoyed. How can we incorporate this into your next relationship or in current friendships? How can we continue to honor the memories that you had while exploring the new chapter you are moving into?

Losing a loved one: How will you remember them throughout the day to bring you peace and make your heart feel like it’s being honored? What will you do to feel their presence when you are missing them? How will you honor their memory with others?

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So, how have I integrated you, dad?

-I think about you when I see a lightening bug.
-I think about you when I relax on the patio, enjoying a perfect weather moment.
-I think about you when I hear a song you liked.
-I think about you when I go back and listen to your voicemails.
-I think about you when I tell a funny memory or story about you.
-I think about you when we celebrate holidays.
-I think about you when I realize you never had a chance to see me start my own business.
-I think about you when my kids ask about “Grandpa in the sky.”
-I think about you when I go to physical therapy.
-I think about you when I read your old letters and cards. Especially the ones where you wrote to my heart when I was struggling or emailed me your story about growing up in poverty.
-I think about you when I hear about someone’s cancer diagnosis.
-I think about you when I hear about someone’s pacemaker and how that was the only thing that literally kept you ticking.
-I think about you when I look at your old backgammon set with the cracked tiles.
-I think about you when I read “The Last Lecture.”
-I think about you when I visit Mizzou. And every single place I visit while I am there.
-I think about you when John puts on a vinyl. Especially ones you’d love.
-I think about you when I drive with my windows down, blaring favorite oldies.
-I think about you when I reflect on our past trips we took.
-I think about you when someone drives peacefully (and painfully) slow.
-I think about you when I watch Seinfeld, Dracula, Abbott & Costello, the X-files and many more.
-I think about you when I drive by Valvoline or any self-service car wash.
-I think about you when I reflect on the moment you gave me your cross and that you would get it back from me when you get out of the hospital, which you never did.
-I think about you when I look at the stars.
-I think about you when weddings have Father-Daughter dances.
-I think about you when someone has a nice glass of red wine.
-I think about you when I watch Blues Hockey.
-I think about you when I wonder if you are hurting like I am hurting.

Grief: the 5th Stage

Hey there Avoidance!