The “Shoulds” I’ll Allow
If you’re a client of mine, you’ve heard me say this a variety of times. First and foremost, probably the very first session we met.
“Don’t Should on yourself. It’s disgusting.”
For those who are less familiar with the in-depth work I do with my clients, let me explain.
Should is a pressure word. Just as must, need, and ought are pressure words as well.
Should makes us feel like we have already failed, or will fail if we don’t follow.
Should is an Unhelpful Thinking Style. Also known as a Negative Cognition.
So, as you can see, “shoulding” on ourselves is unhelpful, unhealthy, and overall just a big bummer.
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Now, I am going to confuse you, for just a second.
There is one area of “Should” that I very much want you to allow.
I’ll explain here.
Top Five “Shoulds” of Therapy
You should choose your therapist: This is the main reason I do not seek therapy for myself within my insurance panel. I will choose the therapist, then see if the fee matches what I can manage. If they take my insurance, cool, but honestly, I would rather not deal with it. Insurance is sticky. Click Here for more info.
Your therapist should be present with you: Are they listening? Do they remember? Are you the sole focus of the session? When you walk in the room (virtual or in-person), lovely clients of mine, stop asking us how we are doing. I know you are so kind. I know it might be a good deflection to start the session off less awkward, and I also love to remind you that it does not matter how I am doing. I am here. I am with you. Let’s talk about how you are doing. Be selfish, steal the room, it is your time.
Your therapist should have an idea of what you want to work on, as well as what they think would be beneficial to work on: What’s better than having someone in your corner, supporting your growth, and identifying growth that you can experience past that?
Your therapist should be helping you dig deeper: My clients know my “rabbit hole” exercise. I know, it’s a love/hate relationship. I hear you. I like you too much to not dig deeper. Because isn’t that why you step outside your inner circle of people to discover what is really going on?
Your therapist should know what they are doing: Do you feel like you and your therapist are not getting anywhere? Are you repeating the same conversations? Maybe it is not the right time for therapy if you do not feel ready to move forward/dig deeper. Or, if you are definitely ready, but the connection just is not working, find someone else. Life is too short to not have good therapy.
I could be biased. I could be wrong. You definitely could disagree. You’re totally allowed to do that.
I have high standards for my therapist (remember, everyone can benefit from therapy, even therapists). I have high standards for myself as a therapist.
As I should.
Maybe I will make a Part 2. Stay tuned.
Want to learn how to change your shoulds? Ready to start a new therapy experience? Reach out. I look forward to it.
