“Availability” boundaries
I keep seeing this quote going around the internet: “Know the difference between people who speak to you in their free time and people who free their time to speak to you.”
I’ve got to be honest, I do not like nor agree with this quote.
But why? Isn’t that what friends should do?!
Actually, no. For a few reasons:
First and foremost, let’s release the word should from our vocabulary. Applying the word should to ourselves creates pressure (“I should have done more to help”) and, applying should to others will set us up for disappointment (“They should have called me”).
People have lives. Everyone is just trying to survive. Some people do not have the capacity to make and create time to call us. And that is okay.
I speak to my friends when I am available, and they speak to me when they are available. If they need something, they will let me know. If I need something, I will forewarn them of the support I might be seeking from our conversation.
Normalize living your life and respecting friends for living their lives. Normalize letting your friends know when you need something, and allowing them space to read and reply.
Be available when you can. Show up when you want. Make sure your close, quality friendships feel supported. Ask how they’re doing and make sure they’re asking you the same.
Social media has led us to believe people need to be available daily. Here’s the thing, we don’t.
Social media has led us to believe we need support during every struggle. Here’s the thing, we don’t.
Sure, support is a wonderful addition to solving problems. Support helps us not feel alone. But, full-time support (aka Online Support/Cell Phone Support)? Not entirely healthy. We forget about the primary source of processing and support: ourselves.
Normalize becoming more familiar with quiet. Normalize processing on your own before relying on/expecting others to help.
This is hard. It takes effort and time. You do not have to learn it alone. You will become stronger from doing it. You will be proud of yourself for this growth when it happens.
Reach out, let’s work on those boundaries together.
