Unpopular Opinion: Sarcasm is Gross

I will potentially be ruining sarcasm for some people, and I am here for it!

As a therapist, I do a ton of observing. It is such a natural thing; I cannot even control it. I have been an observer for as long as I can remember, but it really starts becoming engrained when we are in the thick of our years of education and are studying human behavior. That is when things start clicking.

Since I am such an observer, I am naturally a listener for the deeper meaning.

It was years ago when I was at an extended family holiday event when I recognized that the majority of the people I was surrounded by were using sarcasm as naturally as they breathe.

It was becoming harder for me to dissect, organize, and navigate the conversation because I was not even sure where these people stood on terms of values or interests. Everything that was expressed had a side-meaning.

That is when I realized, I cannot stand the use of sarcasm.

Sarcasm is absolutely a learned behavior. Children do not understand it. They learn and repeat it, but they do not really understand it when they are using it. It is definitely used accurately in the more maturing ages of humans.

My apologies (sorta) if this is going to make you feel called out, but based on my research and education, I truly believe it is used to cover up a heavy amount of insecurity inside of a person.

Now, I am not saying that everyone who is insecure uses sarcasm- some people truly cannot identify how to use that type of humor, or it is just not their style. However, I do believe that those who are insecure will lean into using it.

Hear me out.

Sarcasm is a defense mechanism. It helps you hide inside of a shell.

Typically, it is being used because you are too uncomfortable to respond with heartfelt and meaningful responses to the issue. Or, you just flat out do not know how to respond at all.

Here are some examples:

Someone tries to help, but makes an inconvienent mistake:
-Sarcastic reply: ”Oh that was helpful.”
-Actual meaning: I am disappointed, let down, or frustrated.

On your way to work, one barrier after another and you won’t be on time:
-Sarcastic reply: ”That’s great! I am so glad everyone knows how to drive today!”
-Actual meaning: I am feeling nervous, anxious, or upset that my performance will be reflected upon due to being late.

Doing something out of your way for someone like a spouse, friend, or your child. They don’t recognize, disregard it, or don’t respond how you expected:
-Sarcastic reply: ”I am so glad I did that for you!”
-Actual meaning: I am feeling hurt, disappointed, unseen, invalidated or rejected.

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Now, if you are replying like this to a child, preteen, or teenager, the result is just going to be them feeling confused, uncomfortable, or upset (simply due to your energy behind the words). Again, they really do not know how to dissect what you mean.

If you are replying like this to an adult, the result is honestly going to be the exact same. Unless you find someone just as anxious or insecure, then they might respond back in sarcasm. Therefore, the observation I would make would be “Why are you both uncomfortable with addressing your emotions? Why can we not engage in healthy conflict resolution or feelings-expression?”

If you are engaging with me outside or inside of the office, I am not going to call you out for using sarcasm. If you are my client, you might find me asking what the meaning is behind what you are saying though. And if you are married to me (sorry husband), you may find me asking “What do you mean by that?” Yes, that would be uncomfortable. But yes, you also started the feeling of making it uncomfortable with your sarcasm in the first place.

I am here to match it. Because I am not uncomfortable with being uncomfortable.

If you find yourself questioning your sarcastic humor and want to dive further in, reach out.

If you recognize that this is you, reach out, let’s work on it.

If you want to learn more…reach out. I’m here without judgement.