Holiday Boundaries
Typically, I find myself writing about themes I come across during my years of work. These past few years, I have read and heard about one very important topic: boundaries during the holiday season.
Families are coming together, people are sharing thoughts and opinions, we are all out of our comfort zones. Especially having the post traumatic responses from COVID-19.
My client’s often wonder, how can I stay sane during the holidays?
My first wonder often is, “since when were you told that your boundaries, thoughts, or feelings did not matter?”
Let’s talk examples.
Let me preface by saying, I know this is harder than it sounds. That is what processing in therapy is for!
The person expressing their boundaries:
“Very much looking forward to spending the holidays with family! This year I am respecting my dietary needs and will not be discussing my food choices with family.”
“Excited to see everyone this year! We are aware dinner will be served at 5:30pm. We will be spending a few hours over at the house, and departing by 7:30pm.”
“It will be a lot of fun to have everyone together again. Per my personal preference, I will be driving separately and social distancing while I am present.”
The person expressing their children’s boundaries:
“Looking forward to everyone seeing our child! We will be arriving after they have a chance to nap, and departing before 8:00pm.”
“Since there will be so many family members present, I am writing to remind everyone that there will be no kissing or hugging during this holiday celebration.”
“Although mom and dad LOVE the dishes being served, we will be bringing a separate meal for our child, don’t worry about making anything special for them!”
The person needing to enforce these boundaries:
“Hello everyone! This is just a reminder that our child will be choosing who they want to hug or kiss at the holiday celebration. We respect their boundaries during this event which may feel overwhelming for them.”
“I appreciate the offer/reminder; however, we will be sticking with our original plan.”
“I am hearing what you are saying, and we have already set our boundaries.”
The family hearing the boundaries:
“We hear what you are saying and respect your choice.”
“Your family’s priorities are important.”
“We appreciate the added communication.”
The family feeling hurt by the boundaries: Take time to process these emotions. Talk about these emotions to an unbiased person. Identify what is being triggered. Then refer to the options above.
Let us remember, that although we began life as a first family (the family we are born into), we then grow into a chosen family (who we continue our life with). Each person’s feelings are valid and understandable. We can feel, experience, and express them, while also recognizing that other people’s boundaries (even our own family members) are important and right for them.
Having trouble? Reach out, let’s talk about it.
